Wordless Wednesday has become "weigh-in Wednesday" at my house. That means its "come to Jesus" time on Wednesday morning. Lying in bed knowing that after my morning use of the potty, I'm stripping down and stepping on that dreaded scale.
I don't have a love-hate with the scale. I honestly see it as a tool although mostly right now its my nemesis. I got on the scale and AGAIN, weight the same as last week. AGAIN. And the same as the week before. The scale is going nowhere fast.
I complained to Mike. I vented to Ashley. And by the time I got to the gym and the girls asked "how are you today?" I shed tears. My workout turned into a therapy session (the best kind!) and I did leave feeling better and with a tweak to my action plan.
It likely seems even more frustrating because of a couple of things. 1) In my mind, I had a weight loss goal before my trip next week. I'm clearly NOT making that goal. I have to break-up with that goal and I'm pissed. 2) I GAVE UP DIET COKE FOR GOODNESS SAKE. When you sacrifice something you LOVE that BRINGS YOU ACTUAL JOY in the hopes of making a better life change ... it's really REALLY hard not to feel bitter, sad and disappointed.
Here's the thing. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel less bloat (likely without the Gluten and Diet Coke).
Here are two more things. I don't like how I look in the mirror. And, I know that I'm carrying too much weight for my frame. I'm less concerned with a certain number, but know that the number needs to be LESS THAN now.
I do NOT have a thyroid problem. I DO have an aging problem. I do NOT have an eating problem and I do NOT have "muscle that weighs more than fat."
I've lived in a family of continual dieters. I've watched my mom and Grandma diet or watch calories my entire life. It's literally "in my genes." I know that watching my weight/diet/exercise is really a part of a healthy lifestyle for me and my genes.
So as I stood next to friends and shed tears over my scale woes ... I also found a solidarity among girlfriends who totally understand and "get it." And friends who also do what I should do ... accept me and love me ... AS I AM. I reiterated to a friend "my goal is to 'love myself like Mike loves me'" and she cried. And I cried. It is a beautiful goal ... and I'm struggling with it.
Just writing in the spirit of "keeping it real."