Recently I had an appointment at my OBGYN for some blood draws. Just a routine appointment but I honestly haven’t been there in a while, likely since my annual (high fives for the stirrups!?!? ;) ) So it was an fairly easy appointment where I expected to breeze in, and breeze out.
I had to fill out paper work and was asked to sit in the waiting room.
And that’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was suddenly transported back 9 years into this very same waiting room. The waiting room where I’d show up hopeful and leave disappointed. The waiting room where I looked all around and saw those beautiful protruding bellies of expectant mothers. I’ll admit. I looked at them longingly. I looked at them hopeful. And, I looked at them with jealousy.
And even remembering it, felt painful.
Infertility is filled with pain. Oh goodness. So many months of walking into that clinic. Being led back for urine samples, blood draws and ultra-sounds. The internal ultra-sounds checked the development of my eggs, the likelihood of how they are growing and maturing then calculating when their “optimum” time of release might be. All a game of timing and science. Not really the way I intended to build a baby. I thought the baby might be made from love and not calculated timing of the insertion of a tiny tube with my husbands sperm. It took me a long time to make peace with that.
Months upon months of pills, shots, injections and hormones to attempt to help me conceive led me to wait in that stale doctors office WAY MORE than I ever dreamed. The Nurse Practitioners were so kind, helpful and also hopeful right along with me. My favorite gal was always so positive .. “Oh this is the month for sure! These eggs are beautiful!” And then that negative pregnancy reared its ugly head again.
Infertility is painful. Wanting to carry a baby is a normal biological want/need in most every woman. We are created to do just that! Populate the earth! How could my body betray me in such an ugly way. How could my heart so deeply desire to be a mother and my body disappoint me so heavily. Painful.
Others say things that seem helpful like “it will happen when you least expect it” or “have fun trying!” Yes! Those things are helpful in the early stages ... but once you’ve heard them seemingly a million times, it just becomes PAINFUL. There is NOTHING fun about “trying” to have a baby by perfectly timed intercourse and especially in a doctor’s office without your husband even present.
Every pregnant woman is suddenly a reminder of your own inadequacy. Are you inadequate? NO! Does it feel that way? YES. When you are wanting to be pregnant ... EVERY PERSON around you, suddenly is pregnant.
At some point, prayers are said over and over and choices are made. Some people make peace with their choices and others struggle. I personally held tight to the knowledge that God planted a seed in my heart to be a mother. I knew and trusted that God would not plant that seed and not allow it to come to fruition. I just had to come to peace that having a family might look different than I originally suspected. Coming to peace with that, was painful. But also, refreshing. I had faith.
As I sat in that waiting room that day with 2 very pregnant women and 2 very not pregnant women, I said prayers for both. May they BOTH find the joy of being a mother, no matter how that gift is fulfilled. It also served as a reminder to be gracious. Although my life is filled with chaos now, it was once very empty and quiet. I dreamed of this chaos and I do not want to forsake that for one single minute. And finally. Be kind to others. You do not know the path that others walk. Do not boast and do not make assumptions and most of all ... do not complain about your children to a woman who craves nothing more than to be a mother. Infertility is painful, and I was reminded today to be kind to our friends suffering.